How to Solve the Recruiting Crisis in One Step

Halo 3: ODST

President Biden can fix the recruiting crisis if he has the courage. Joe Biden needs to empower the DoD to make Halo 3: ODST into real life.

Oh, you thought this was going to be a serious article? You thought I was going to make use of my actual background in military theory for once? Absolutely not, I want to talk about how cool it would be to be an ODST.

Look. Just hear me out here okay? Do you have any idea how many people from the ages of 18-25 would take the chance to have even the faintest possibility of shooting through the stratosphere in a drop pod? I mean come on, have you ever heard just how fucking good that jazz soundtrack is?

Just think about it. Imagine some burned-out recruiter on his 5th sugar-free monster of the day shows up at your high school lunch and tells you about this brand new awesome career field that just opened up.

You probably expect him to tell you some nonsense about “learning career skills” or “paying for college”. No, this time is different. No, this time SSG Brad is filling your head with the idea of burning straight through the atmosphere before hopping out of a metal death box like a demi-god from The Iliad.

Now, I can already hear some of you saying, “But that’s entirely pointless! We have MAGTFs already! We can already respond to almost any crisis immediately!” Yeah sure, like any of you even know what that DoD acronym salad even stands for.

Next, you might say, “But James! That’s absurd! Just imagine the casualty rates! I mean seriously, we’re talking like an 80% casualty rate at a minimum here! Really, we can seriously just use a rapid deployment force for this! We literally already have this capability!” Yeah, and this is America okay, and I don’t remember the Apollo program talking about casualty rates when we put a man on the Moon.

All of these complaints are irrelevant anyways. Because you want to know the big secret? Like 45 guys will ever actually ever be an ODST. This is the most bespoke military capability since the invention of the paratrooper! Nobody will ever actually use this in combat!

Half of the United States Navy is made up of guys that failed out of BUD/S. The 82nd Airborne is just where we put people that had Option 40 in their contract. The Air Force? Well, they owe their existence to people that didn’t realize which branch Top Gun was about.

In our new era of recruitment shortfalls and a generation that can trace their formative experiences to stalking the rainy streets of New Mombasa, the DoD knows what it must do.